Has Anybody Else Noticed, Or Is It Just Me? Breaking Up Is Hard To Do…
Dear Google Maps
We need to talk.
Its been going on for a fair few weeks now. I keep putting these issues to the back of my mind and trying to ignore them. However, every time we’re together I’m reminded of everything that’s going wrong in our relationship and why I think we may… need a break.
Things are not the way they used to be. When we first started out, you were always there when I needed you, even when I didn’t need you. You were always looking over my shoulder and guiding me when I had no idea where I was going or how I was going to get there. You always had my back, through the light of day and those really dark nights. I’ll never forget that horrible night in the rain, it was 3 am and the traffic lights were down, it was pitch black but you made me feel safe just like any good bae would*. (*Oh god, am I really calling an app my bae? Don’t judge me. Stay with me.)
Things were rad. Actually they were beyond rad. They were pretty perfect. We were like that perfect couple you see in those Toyota adverts cruising through unknown hills and terrain, but always smiling (and never fighting) because they were never ever lost. Oh what a Feeling.
But lately, things have been very different.
You know how much I hate to bring up my exes and compare you to my past relationships, but it feels like we’re going down the same road I went down with my ex-Navigator. And we both know how that turned out. I hear parts of his remains are still scattered across the Eastern Distributor Freeway… Please don’t bring out the worst in me like he did.
Shhhh don’t argue. Let me finish. I need to get this off my chest. I know you’re asking, “Where is this coming from?”, “What have I done?” and “For God’s sake woman, I’m an extension of Google, the king of the Universe, nobody will ever compare to me…”
I know, I know… because I too used to think that you could do no wrong and knowing that you were a child of Google put the utmost confidence in us, but now… babe, things feel very different and that sparkly halo I used to see above your head is fading. I hate that…
Hear me out.
Goo, these days I’m always so confused around you. I don’t know what you want. You tell me one thing and then midway, you completely change your mind with no reason or warning. After telling me to go straight, you then say, “no, actually go right.” Sure babe, I’ll go right. I’ll keep quiet. I’ll hear you out and let you have your way.
But all of a sudden, when I’m ‘shutting up’ like you want me to and giving you total control, you do what every woman hates. You go completely quiet on me. Silence. Not a single peep, when I really need to hear something from you.
Do you have any idea how that makes me feel when you go silent like that? Ummm “Hello, McFly, don’t leave me hanging, what do I do next?” Meanwhile I have all these people behind us yelling and beeping at me. You leave me looking like a complete fool in front of all these complete strangers. You used to put me up on a pedestal back in the days.
So of course I’m going to lose my sh*t and start yelling profanities at you. I’m back at the same traffic light I was ten minutes ago while you decide to “recalculate” for the third time. This coming from a guy that loses it if I need to stop and use the bathroom once! I mean seriously GM, your timing is always way off, and what the hell is ‘recalculating’ anyway?! You can’t blame me for getting angry.
Every time I’m running late, I rely on you because you tell me you know the way and can get me there in time – no probs. You even map it out with an ETA and everything. Yet for some reason you pick those moments as the time to take me on a “surprise scenic route” and then later tell me there was a quicker way. Why are you tormenting me like this? Do you find it funny? Why even bother telling me there was a quicker way after the fact? You’re not helping yourself here. And when I told you in June you need to plan surprises more often, this is NOT what I meant.
You also keep talking over my favourite songs when they come on the radio. You know how happy I am when I get to sing “Shake it Off” in the car, but somehow you always find the need to talk over the entire song when its on. Why do you want to take away such small pleasures from me?! When we first hooked up you told me you loved my singing. I bet that was a lie.
Eventually I get there. Late. Flustered. Sweating. Make-up running and about to explode from frustration. It takes me at least 20 minutes to get over it. I’m really thinking about learning how to meditate because I just don’t know how to handle you anymore.
Goo, you have me going in circles about this over and over again and doing U-turns, literally. I mean are you secretly trying to kill me or something?! No, seriously. Because last week you told me to do a U-turn while on the Harbour Bridge?! You could have had me killed. Has it really come to this? I spoke to my friends about it too and someone said they heard you’ve been taking loads of drugs and that could be the issue. Babe, are you really on crack? I’m starting to think you may be because your attitude is so whack.
Goo, you leave me no choice. I keep giving you another chance every time we get in the car together but its getting to a point that our relationship is playing out like a bad Taylor Swift break up song. Its not fair to the other apps on my phone every time I throw you across the seat like that.
I miss the days we used to be a pin-up car commercial. And I’m still holding onto the memories of when you surprised me by showing up in Italy and knew every single back street even though we were on the other side of the world. What happened to us? I now know what Gotye meant when he sang, “now you’re just somebody that I used to know.” Yeah, it sucks.
Break ups are hard, I know. I’m sorry. But so is turning left into a building after you failed to direct me to my exit in time. But just to make it clear (and quote Jerry Seinfeld’s George Castanza), “I’m breaking up with you!”
It was good while it lasted. You gave me some good times. But today I’m changing my Facebook relationship status from “in a relationship” to “single”…. oh hang on, maybe to “its complicated.” Come on bae, because you never know, I may wake up tomorrow happy, over it and ready to give it another shot. You know, all relationships go through rough patches from time to time… And I’m also not sure Yahoo! has given birth to any maps offspring just yet.
Let me know in the comments section, have you experienced this ridiculous-ness with Google Maps lately?! Or is it just me?!
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Photography: David Higgs
Shot on Sunset Strip, West Hollywood